There are things that we just automatically put in the category of unforgivable. Many of us carry around pain and hurt from things we feel we can never forgive. In Mt 6:14-15 Jesus made us forgiving others a requirement “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” So the rub. How can we forgive such horrible things done to us or to our loved ones? I find that many times we don’t even want to. But there is freedom in forgiveness. There is life. If you will read past the first part I think you will find some help. I did.
Let us discuss the three biblical aspects of forgiveness: the requirement, the repentance and the restoring of the relationship. (It’s just an accident that they all start with R… No, really I didn’t plan that! It’s a pastor thing).
The Requirement of Reprieve
First the bad news. If we confess Jesus as our Lord then we are required to forgive. There is really no way around that. There is no allowance in the bible for a sin that is too awful to forgive. Let us consider the parable Jesus told about the unforgiving servant (Mt 18:21-35). In that parable, he makes a point to say that God has forgiven us for far worse than we can ever forgive each other for. You don’t think so? Consider a different perspective on it: Throwing a rock and hitting another rock is nothing, throwing a rock and hitting a car is more serious, throwing a rock and hitting a person is ever more egregious. Yet it is the same action. What makes it different is the value of the thing hit. Since God is infinitely valuable then sin against him is worse than sin against each other. He makes that point at the end of the parable in Matthew. “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.” Why does Jesus require this of us? God says he is perfectly just and we must trust him in this. We must trust his wrath. Or we will end up like Job, sitting on the hill, mad that our enemy has repented. God knows it is bad for us to carry around anger and resentment and bitterness. He wants more for us than that. He wants us to be free from the evilness of others. As long as we walk in unforgiveness then we are still tied to them by the debt they owe us.
This requirement should drive us to our knees at the feet of Jesus with gratitude and seeking strength, courage, and mercy.
The Role of Repentance
Now some good news. The forgiveness of the debt is all that is required of us. Jesus often calls them trespasses or debts. Our culture has oftentimes defined forgiveness as utter restoration. Like a mom requiring that you make up with your sister after she has apologized for breaking your toy without requiring restitution. Just forgiving the debt or trespass does not erase the fact that it happened. But that is not the biblical understanding. Jesus accomplished the complete forgiveness of all the sins of the world by his death and resurrection. But not all have entered into that forgiveness have they? We access God’s forgiveness by repentance. “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” Acts 2:38 This is not a complete list of everything you have done wrong but merely a turning away from ruling your own life and doing what you think is best and an agreeing with God that you are a sinner and need Jesus to be your Lord. There is an ongoing forgiveness too. That is part of the sanctification process that we do confess and repent of our individual sins. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins ” (1 John 1:9).
So, just like repentance is how we access God’s forgiveness others must repent when they have wronged us in order to access our forgiveness (Mt 5:34-45). We are required to forgive others even if they do not apologize or repent. That is for us. But the other person cannot access that forgiveness unless they repent. There can be no restoration without repentance. Most often there will be mutual repenting between believers because usually in a dispute both have done wrong in some way. But in these most awful of things that we do not feel like we can forgive there may never be repentance on the offender’s side and that is ok. We must still forgive the debt and recon with ourselves that the other person owes us nothing. Then we are free from the offense and the person. There still may be damage that has to be dealt with but there is freedom too.
If there is no repentance then the bible says were are not to restore or continue the relationship. Paul scolded a church for continuing to maintain fellowship with an unrepentant member (1 Cor 5:1-5). He also called this being unequally yoked. Jesus himself instructed us to not continue with someone that will not humble themselves to repentance. “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” (Mt 18:15-17).
But what if the offender DOES repent does that mean we have to let them back in lives? Do we have to act like nothing has ever happened? Are we required to place ourselves back into a position to be hurt?
No.
The Restoring of Relationship
The restoration of a relationship after a serious abuse or offense almost never means letting everything go back to the way it was. Things should be put in place to prevent the offense from reoccurring. Restoration means that there is an acknowledgement of a new opportunity to treat the other one with respect and kindness. That opportunity should always come with boundaries.
Boundaries are good. God loves boundaries. God spent most of Genesis one creating boundaries for his creation. The land and the water, the light and darkness, things producing after their own kind. Even the Garden had boundaries and so did man. He was not allowed to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. And when he did God did restore relationship with Adam by the sacrifice of an animal he put in place new consequential boundaries. Man was no longer allowed access to the tree of life. He was not allowed back into the garden. When we forgive someone we should be careful to put in place boundaries that will protect ourselves and others.
But does that relate to the new testament too? Yes, it does. God placed a boundary on access to himself. “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” (John 16:6). That is a very strict boundary. There is only one way. We should be strict with our boundaries too. Maybe a person has been so cruel and untrustworthy that they have lost the privilege of every being in your presence again. That is an extreme boundary but an acceptable one when the situation warrants it. And it does not prevent forgiveness. If you have not read it I highly recommend the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. In it he does a good job of laying out how to apply biblical boundaries in your life.
Forgiveness is not a restoration of trust but merely reprieve of a debt. Trust is earned. “Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things” (mt 25:21). We should be careful that our boundaries are not hoops others have to jump through to earn trust as some kind of prize. That will never feel satisfactory to us. And it will not be real trust. Boundaries should be stuctured in a way that they can remain in place whether trust is established or not.
Sometimes many boundaries should have been there all along.
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