As parents, we should be very mindful of our children’s privacy. We should also foster openness within our families. Openness encourages trust, honesty, liberty and acceptance. Secrets are destructive to relationships and an ongoing tolerance of secrets is fertile ground for mistrust, deception and unfaithfulness. Privacy itself, however, is not a negative attribute. As our children get older their sense of privacy develops and grows. We parents must mold and help them understand their new inner desire for privacy. Just like with all their maturing personal needs and desires it is our responsibility to teach them what is appropriate and what is not. It seems to me there is a growing confusion between privacy, secretiveness, openness and accountability. With the following principles, I attempt to bring some distinctive clarity as I examine privacy, its value and its limits.
Privacy should serve modesty. Everyone should expect a certain amount of personal privacy as it pertains to modesty and civility. We parents can help foster this within our families by closing the door to the bedroom when changing clothes, respecting privacy in the bathroom, regarding personal space, even the stopping of certain activities when told to. “Stop touching me!” is a valid request between siblings. Dads should be careful to stop something as innocent as tickling when the child requests that it stop. Even though they are laughing a child should be granted the authority to stop the tickling if they so desire. These practices impart respect for others and a sense of dignity. This does not mean that time limits on bathroom visits cannot be set. Or that having to share the bathroom between young children or sisters or in large families violates privacy. Forbidding internet devices to be taken into the bathroom is a good idea for many reasons. The key principle is to respect each other and provide a degree of modesty.
Privacy should honor family intimacy. There are certain things we do and say to each other as family members that need remain within the family confidence. Studies show that physical touch and closeness are important to a child’s emotional development. The longer a father allows his child to crawl up in his lap and cuddle the better it is for their self-esteem, family identity, confidence, and trust in their parents. If that habit or ritual is shared outside the family it can shame the child and suddenly an act of love and trust can be seen as something inappropriate. A family that is careful about keeping affection between family members private will be more comfortable expressing its love to one another.
Privacy should guard family dignity. Every family has its own collection of embarrassing stories, mistakes, and photos. These may all be funny and amusing within the family but shared outside the intimate confines of the immediate family can be considered a valid violation of privacy. As parents we should be working toward a healthy family identity and these kinds of transgressions can undo much of our work very quickly. Shame can undermine our efforts and cause distrust if we are willing to attempt to entertain others at family member’s expense.
Privacy should allow for reflection and emotional space. It is unwise to demand that anyone say what they are thinking at any given moment. Instead, allow a person time and opportunity to consider their feelings, check their emotions, and say what they really mean. If a conversation gets heated encourage a break but with boundaries. These kinds of boundaries should be discussed and agreed upon beforehand and in times of non-conflict. Allowing a teen to go in the back yard for a few minutes to cool down and get his emotions back under control is probably a good idea. Allowing the same child to get into their car and go for a drive is probably not a good idea. Likewise calling a mentor you both respect could be a good way of gaining perspective but going onto the internet to rant with friends in a chat or on a social media site is most likely only going to garner support for rebelling. Families can use a time for reflection to separate themselves from the emotion of an issue, consider another’s point of view on a matter, and remember that they their love for one another is most important.
Privacy should never operate without accountability. Lack of accountability is a major concern in today’s internet society where anonymity or the perception of anonymity is a natural state. In the past having a chaperon was considered proper and protected people from slander. It was never a violation of privacy. Having accountability to our internet viewing, and conversations should be viewed the same way. Honoring a child’s or spouse’s privacy to have a conversation with a peer should not supersede accountability as to who you are talking to and what you are talking about. If I cannot have a phone conversation with my wife in the room I probably should not be having that conversation. This is a slippery slope. The best thing to do in any situation is to maintain a degree of openness. Openness is the key to living a life of honesty and integrity. This does not mean sharing every detail of your life on Facebook or telling everyone everything. It means living with intimate trust to those that you can depend on to hold you accountable.
Why is this not spying? Spying would be to observe my child secretly. As an example: to monitor their text messages without them knowing would be to spy on them. This kind of action destroys trust in both parties. Accountability, however, works to strengthen trust. Consider the following example: A child knows their internet history is being monitored to protect them and make sure they are being appropriate. When a parent follows through and checks their viewing history this is not a violation of privacy but is simply a promise kept. If they have had inappropriate viewing habits then there will most likely be a sense of being exposed. They may claim a violation of privacy to explain the feeling or as a defense but that does not mean a transgression has actually occurred.
In conclusion, parents should intentionally guard the privacy of their family and respect the appropriate privacy of their children but also foster openness between members to build trust. Monitoring conversations and internet activity is not a violation of privacy as long as everyone involved knows it’s happening. Doing so provides accountability and encourages honesty and integrity. If we as parents ignore large portions of our children’s social interactions then we are inviting inappropriateness into their lives.
-Brad McFadden, Bright Star Christian School
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